It may seem strange to others, but it makes sense to me—a kind of comfort. With each surgery, treatment, or procedure I go through, that day feels like a reset, a fresh start. It becomes my 'Day Zero.' January 14th was my latest Day Zero. I’ve mentally marked the days and milestones since, and shared some of them with you already in my previous journal entries.  I think it’s something cancer patients do. It helps me recognize progress, especially when it’s hard to see it sometimes amidst the challenges of cancer.

On February 9th, I stood up on my own to take a shower without a shower chair—my first fully independent shower at home. Since I arrived back home, my mom, dad, or sister had always been close by, just in case I needed help because I felt so unstable.  26 days later, I did it on my own.

Then, on February 12th, I drove myself from my parents' house to my own for the first time in nearly 30 days. The last time I drove was on January 13th.  Brain fog after anesthesia, also known as delayed neurocognitive recovery (dNCR), really exists.

Two days later, on February 14th, I wore jeans for the first time instead of sweatpants! It was Valentine’s Day, and I had a cute sweater to wear—though only at home—and it didn’t quite go with sweatpants. I wanted to look somewhat festive for my boys. The jeans, especially around the button and zipper area, were a bit uncomfortable on my incision, so I added some gauze for extra comfort. The last time I wore jeans was Friday, January 10th, my last day of work.

Finally, yesterday, February 19th, I went on my first real outing with my boys since January 11th. We ventured to Colonie Center for some shopping and had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. The picture I posted was from when we all got in the car today.  January 11th was the last time we went out together. We went skiing for my final runs of the year. I can’t wait for next year—it’s going to be an epic ski season!

The past couple of weeks have been a time of reflection and action.  My emotions were especially tested this past week when I learned of two individuals who have died as a result of cancer. It shakes you to your core. The harsh reality of cancer becomes undeniable in those moments, and the overwhelming sense of impending doom takes hold.  This is where you pull yourself up with HOPE.  

I was once told by a 'friend' that we’re all going to die, so don’t make cancer such a big deal. They mentioned someone close to them had cancer three times and is just fine. That one stung. I’ve never made cancer a big deal, and I still don’t. I don’t use it as a crutch or an excuse. But I’ll always say it’s a huge, significant, and remarkable challenge. Your life, and the lives of those close to you, are forever changed. I won’t argue that we’re all going to die—that’s an undeniable truth. The difference is, I’m reminded of it every single day.  It’s another evil part of cancer that lurks in your subconscious.  If I let it, that thought could consume my entire day and life, but it’s there every morning when I wake up. My first thought upon waking is, 'Wow, I have cancer.' It’s like Groundhog Day for me. I don’t hate them for saying that to me but I won’t ever forget—or forgive—that comment.  This isn’t just limited to cancer; such thoughts can affect anyone with an incurable, debilitating disease.  So, I live my life with finding the HOPE in Day Zero.

I recently finished reading a memoir titled The Happiest Man on Earth, and it beautifully reinforced my thoughts on life. In short, it’s about a man who survived Auschwitz, enduring unimaginable loss, trauma, and pain—someone who could have easily become bitter and angry. Instead, he chose happiness, kindness, love, and HOPE.  It is a short and easy read and I encourage you to read it too.

I’ve always been drawn to books about this period in history, mostly because what happened is truly unfathomable.  What I admire most is the bravery and strength of the survivors. While I hope to offer bravery and strength to others, individuals like Eddie give me the same boost through reading about what they endured and survived throughout their lives, and how they ended up THRIVING and SURVIVING.

This excerpt from the book feels especially fitting: “I promised when I came out of the darkest hours of my life that I would be happy for the rest of my life and smile, because if you smile, the world smiles with you.  Life is not always happiness.  Sometimes, there are many hard days.  But you must remember that you are lucky to be alive - we are all lucky in this way.  Every breath is a gift.  Life is beautiful if you let it be.  Happiness is in your hands.”

Eddie explained that it took him a long time to tell his story.  It was painful and hard to tell.  I felt the same way until recently.  My story is hard to tell; I do not want to relive the past, the feelings, the emotions.  It is painful.  But sharing my story is necessary.  In his book, Eddie describes his desire to share his story in the hopes that the generations that follow him will want to make the world a better place.  The desire to share my story is to not only acknowledge the pain but to inherit my hope, resilience, and tenacity. 

In one part of the book, Eddie discusses revenge.  He thinks about how lucky he and his wife are and shares the only revenge he is interested in - to be the happiest man on Earth.  I plan my revenge against cancer daily and that is to live a purposeful and full life - to be the happiest Rosie on Earth. 

Here are some additional excerpts from the book that I would like to share with you:

“Here is what I learned.  Happiness does not fall from the sky; it is in your hands.  Happiness comes from inside yourself and from the people you love.  And if you are healthy and happy, you are a millionaire.  And happiness is the only thing in the world that doubles each time you share it.”

“Your efforts today will affect people you will never know.  It is your choice whether that effect is positive or negative.  You can choose every day, every minute, to act in a way that may uplift a stranger, or else drag them down.  The choice is easy.  And it is yours to make.”

“A field is empty, but if you put in the effort to grow something then you will have a garden.  And that’s life.  Give something, something will come back.  Give nothing, nothing will come back.  To grow a flower is a miracle:  it means you can grow more.  Remember that a flower is not just a flower, it is the start of a whole garden.”

“There are many things in this world that no amount of money will buy you, and some things priceless beyond measure. Family first, family second, and family at the last.”