I find over time my perception of who I am living with cancer keeps changing. I don't pretend to be the most self aware person but cancer has wrought so many changes its hard not to watch myself go through them. The main part of life that's been most difficult is accepting how much has been lost. After going thru Carr-T regimen 18 months ago multiple myeloma has returned. Albeit at a slower pace then previously but returning nonetheless. I had over a year of feeling almost normal as a benefit of the therapy is there are No maintenance meds to make life miserable. We had moved. With help from family and friends I was able to start doing some of the creative activities that had always kept me sane but I had been unable to manage. After the relapse news I decided to make some changes in my thinking about everything. I had put life on hold. A major reason was the damage to my spine meant the pain I was in kept me from living life more fully. Lots of folks with cancer lead active full lives. So I have started to get what damage repaired I can. I started the process to get the 2 back surgeries needed to fix the issues needing fixed so I can be more active. I've had a cervical fusion which is a lead into getting my lumbar spine fixed. The Kicker is I can't get surgery while on treatment. So next week I get a full workup to see how far MM has progressed. If it is relapsed to much I go on treatment. If that has happened the 2nd surgery goes on hold for a few months. I hope that's not true. Cause it's the lumbar back that is the real issue as far as being more active which is very important to me. I don't want to get so wasted away that getting strong will be tough. My huge dream is I'll get well enough I can start getting on a bike which has always been my exercise of choice.